Intimacy and Parenting, Survivorship 0 comments on Recovering from cancer’s strain on intimacy

Recovering from cancer’s strain on intimacy

Being in a relationship with your significant other is bound to be filled with highs and lows.  Having a healthy relationship involves a lot of effort, time and patience as the allure of new relationship peters out and we begin to truly know and understand our own and our partner’s relationship quirks, strengths and challenges.  When you throw a massive wrench like cancer into the works, it inevitably exposes the work we need to do individually and as a couple to evolve.  Let’s take a look at why that might be happening, and reflect upon some ideas that might help you and your partner grow together through the process, rather than apart.

First and foremost, when the crisis of a cancer diagnosis happens, you are in a constant process of triaging the most important issue/concern/need of the moment.  This often creates a backlog of things that have not been attended to.  The person who has been diagnosed is the focus of support, which can lead to loved one’s needs being neglected, especially if the system is facing multiple stressors (health, financial, children, etc) at once.

A common scenario is that the person who is diagnosed becomes immersed in the health crisis and therefore less available, and the partner becomes immersed in managing everything else and therefore less available.  The image that comes to mind is of a camel, initially the camel is able to sustain the strain on it’s system because it has it’s reserve of water and energy stored for a long haul.  Yet, if the camel does not have regular infusions of water and food, it becomes weaker and weaker.  This metaphor can apply to a couple managing the crisis of cancer, over time the reserve of intimacy will be spent if it is not replenished.

To add to the challenge, we each have our own unique way of managing stress, and when you are under pressure it is much easier to misread and/or personalize incidents.  Communication struggles that were present before become amplified if we aren’t mindful.  We may feel desperation to process difficult things, like death anxiety, which may be intolerable to the other person.  Our community may not be able to see or appreciate the individual and family needs, which can deepen the sense of isolation.

With this in mind, developing a compassionate approach with one another can ease the tension and provide some breathing room in the moment.  Compassion is the art of bringing kindness into our relationship with our selves and our partners.  We often turn towards criticism of self and others as a mean of trying to change or control a situation, which only does harm.  A compassionate approach may include asking for a change, but the emphasis is on being able to communicate from the heart about what you observe about yourself, your partner, the situation and the needs.  When we attempt to show our partner that we are trying to “walk in their shoes”, we are building an opportunity for connection which repairs attachment.  Time, patience and practice are necessary to reap the rewards of this form of communication.

Some other ideas to cultivate connection include:

  • Sharing regular small moments of non-cancer related time, ideally free of distraction, to share a story or moment from the day
  • Making a list for one another about small tokens of appreciation your partner could do that you would enjoy
  • Creating an affirmative motto for living life with cancer as a family
  • Honestly, gently discussing the impact treatment will have on sexual intimacy, and finding or exploring acts of sexual intimacy that honors the situation as it is. trusting that the tenderness will facilitate the return to sexual health
  • Recalling together the tender, funny, moments of your story together, the reasons why you chose to be together through the ups and downs of life, and writing them down to reflect on later

We frequently need to revise our expectations for situations, especially when they are causing tremendous challenge.  Most of us have inadequate preparation for facing a life threatening condition, and that vulnerability can cause us to become defensive.  Some will rise to the challenge, others need extra support to get there.  Discussing this with your treatment team is really important, in order for them to connect you to the professional available.  It’s not a time to be shy to ask for help.

– Stephanie McLeod-Estevez, LCPC, is an art therapist and breast cancer survivor. She began Creative Transformations to help others who are healing from a life threatening illness or injury. Creative Transformations offers individual sessions, in person or via Skype, workshops, and this weekly blog. Sign up today so you never miss one by visiting:, where you will also find the links to our Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages.

Intimacy and Parenting 0 comments on Parenting and Cancer, responding rather than reacting

Parenting and Cancer, responding rather than reacting

I will never forget the moment when my 9 year old son said to me, “I will probably get cancer one day”.  He said it in a rather matter-of-fact way, in the same way a child might say- “one day I will be old enough to drive”.  For me, it was like getting punched in the gut again by cancer, I was completely surprised and I felt sad.  To have your children lose a part of their innocence so young is hard to witness.

My protective mama bear of course wanted to reassure him that it won’t happen, but of course we both know that it is possible given the family cancer history.  Nor would it have been helpful to shut down the conversation by dismissing or diminishing this thought.  Instead, I followed these general guidelines for processing it:

  1. I took a deep breath, I had all sorts of conflicting feelings, thoughts and desires, but I knew I needed to just reconnect with my breath and slow down.
  2. Rather than launch into my own thoughts about this topic, I started off with a few questions to have him share more of his thoughts, concerns and feelings.  This allowed me to stay present to his need, instead of dumping my needs on top of him and potentially making him more anxious with information that he didn’t need to hear at that time.
  3. I did my best to not make promises that I could not keep or that I have no control over.  For example, I couldn’t promise him that he would never have cancer.  Yet when he asked to have genetic testing, I did explain that he could have that done once he was an adult if he still wanted it done.
  4. We explored that while we couldn’t necessarily control whether or not he would get cancer, that there were things we could do to support our own health and well being- including physical, emotional and spiritual health, and we identified what he does already to do this.
  5. I took the opportunity to check in about any “leftovers” from the cancer experience that we had just been through as a family, explaining to him that often major life experiences will ask to be processed over and over again, as a way of healing.

It is a beautiful thing to watch how resilient and strong our children can be with support, information and attending to their worries and pain.  Validation is a powerful intervention in our parenting toolbox.  It isn’t always easy to do, especially when our own feelings are triggered in the moment, but the reward of responding rather than reacting always pays off.

– Stephanie McLeod-Estevez, LCPC, is an art therapist and breast cancer survivor. She began Creative Transformations to help others who are healing from a life threatening illness or injury. Creative Transformations offers individual sessions, in person or via Skype, workshops, and this weekly blog. Sign up today so you never miss one by visiting:

Intimacy and Parenting 0 comments on Parenting and cancer

Parenting and cancer

I was diagnosed with cancer when my boys were 5 and 7. It is exquisitely painful to watch your children be confronted with a tremendous loss of innocence at such a young age, while at the same time breathtaking and inspiring to watch how brave they are in the face of uncertainty. For example:

When I initially was diagnosed, we waited to understand the treatment plan before telling them what was happening. I was concerned because they both knew that my own mother had died from breast cancer before they were born, so I wanted to protect them from that fear as much as possible. Once it became clear that chemotherapy was going to cause me to lose my hair completely, we knew that we would have to discuss the side effects of my new medicine, but I was still hoping to protect them from the “C” word.

We sat them down to explain the side effects, and the first question out of my oldest son’s mouth was- “do you have cancer?” Initially I was evasive, saying it was something like that. However, when he asked me the same question 6 weeks later, I knew that he needed to hear it. Telling the boys helped us all, making it easier to undergo the 5 months of chemo prior to surgery.

It opened the door for them to express their worries and fears. They needed to know if I would die, when I was in pain, to express their anger at the cancer. My youngest took it upon himself to tell anyone who seemed curious, “This is my mom, she’s bald”. He was also very proud to tell people when my hair was starting to grow again.

The day before the double mastectomy, the kids had a half-day of school. This meant that not only was I trying to squeeze in a full day of work seeing clients in my private practice, but I also had to juggle getting home in time to take them off the bus, take them with me for the plastic surgeon to draw the surgery lines on my body, and pick up my husband from his work (since we only had one car) so that he could drop me back off at work to finish meeting with clients. It was one of those days where if any of the timing were to go off, we would be in trouble.

At the end of the appointment, my amazing plastic surgeon turned to the boys and asked them if they had any questions for her. My oldest asked with a strained voice “Will she die?” and my youngest told her, while looking her straight in the eye, “If she dies, I will kill you.” While of course we don’t condone violence, to watch them be vulnerable, brave, protective and honest about their feelings made me so proud of them. I knew that they worried about me dying throughout the treatment process, and I was really impressed with the way that they were able to talk about it.

So if you have children and you are beginning this process, be prepared that they are quite intuitive. Keep it as simple as possible, allow their questions to guide you as to what they are prepared to hear and need to understand. Honesty with them will allow them to be more open with their feelings, as well as to keep the sacred trust intact. We were able to start attending a support group for families with critically ill members at the Center for Grieving Children in Maine,, which was a blessing for all of us. Hopefully there is a program in your area as well.

– Stephanie McLeod-Estevez, LCPC, is an art therapist and breast cancer survivor. She began Creative Transformations to help others who are healing from a life threatening illness or injury. Subscribe now to the weekly blog and learn more about the individual sessions, offered in person and via the Internet, by visiting our website