Healing via Creativity | Creative Transformations, LLC

The tentacles, layers and roots of our lives

Have you ever had the experience of talking about one life event, only to have it trigger all sorts of thoughts, feelings and memories that initially would have seem unrelated? I see this happen all of the time in my own life and in the conversations that I have with clients. When it happens, people often express surprise at how the conversation can wander in such unexpected ways.

To which, I always smile and reply:

Talking about our personal lives often feels like a series of interconnected tentacles, layers or root systems, and that our bodies and minds store them together- even when we might not have considered throwing them into the same box. It is the quality of the emotions that are present which set off a wild and spontaneous ride through our psyche

As a therapist, I am always thrilled to see this happen in session, because it is evidence that the individual feels relaxed enough to just follow the path that is being laid out by our psyche. It can almost feel like a state of being awake and dreaming, because we are unpacking the box as it is, rather then predetermining what was in there in the first place.

To stimulate this processing, we often look for a jump off point in a person’s story, or use a prompt to get the juices going. This is the intention behind the individual art therapy sessions that have been designed to help heal emotionally from cancer and other life threatening experiences. To fully heal from cancer, it is going to take time, and I wanted to design a tool that people can use as they move forward with their lives.

As Shai Tubali writes:

Emotions cannot evolve though intellectual comprehension; there must be direct access to them, access that allows them to go through a transformation from the plane in which they actually exist

When we find our leap off point, and then explore through art, writing and ultimately sharing through talking, we find ourselves leaning into what has happened and experiencing the emotions through an observational place- as we are trying to represent them in some way. This allows us greater ability to move in and out of a painful experience, rather then going around and around in an unending thought loop inside of our minds. The result allows us to begin the process of transformation.

Sometimes we need to move in and out of something rather quickly, in order to get used to the process. Kind of like moving your body in and out of the ocean in order to acclimate it to the temperature, before leaping in completely. If we respect our pacing while challenging ourselves to continue to move towards fully jumping in, we will find a greater trust in our own ability to do so.

So tell me, where do you wish to begin?

– Stephanie McLeod-Estevez, LCPC, is an art therapist and breast cancer survivor, who works as an oncology counselor at the Dempsey Center. She began Creative Transformations to help others who are healing from a life threatening illness or injury. Through Creative Transformations, Stephanie works with people in person and online to offer cancer coaching, a DIY Individual Art Therapy program to enhance any healing work you are undertaking; workshops; and this weekly blog. Sign up today so you never miss one by visiting our website, Creative Transformations, where you will also find the links to our Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages.

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Storytelling, a powerful tool for healing

This week I had the opportunity to do an in-service for the Dempsey Center staff about Expressive Arts Therapy. It gave me the opportunity to share again the healing power of art through the example of the breast casts that I used to process my cancer experience, which was powerful.

However, it was what happened after the presentation, when we moved into the experiential exercise that really spoke volumes. I asked everyone to get in touch with either something personal or an experience related to their work of being in service to cancer patients and their loved ones. I asked them to go inside and figure out how they felt about what they chose, the impact it has had on their body, mind, spirit, and self. When they were in touch with what they wanted to explore, I asked them to represent it through color, shape and form.

What came forth was a reminder of how powerful it is to take the risk and share your story. The exercise of putting it out onto paper made the stories more tangible to tell, and when the story and images were shared, it added depth and richness to the experience. In that moment of witnessing, we became more intimately connected to one another, seeing our different roles from a new lens. For a moment, we embodied the experience of another, which in turn allowed us to connect more deeply to our own.

This form of art making, the visual journalling process, is a practice of being in silence with ourselves, in an active, curious way. Silence can be an intimidating prospect for many, especially in the world we live in. Yet silence allows us to create an attunement to our inner world and an attunement to the experience of others, strengthening our capacity for compassion. Since art making is a form of moving meditation, it can build a bridge to feeling greater ease with silence.

It takes courage and trust to share something personal. It takes time to build confidence and trust with the ability to share, so be gentle with yourself if you are not ready to share actively with others. The rewards we reap from sharing and witnessing help stoke the fire of resiliency and decrease our sense of isolation. As one of my favorite quotes reminds me:

If you ask me what I came in this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud ~ Emile Zola

So tell me, what is the story you wish to share?

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Unexpected opportunities

In a couple of weeks, I will be packing up my boobs and mailing them off to Illinois. That is, the casts of my breasts, that I have used as the canvas to process my experience of having cancer. They will be a part of an art show, curated by the artist Caren Helene Rudman, at the Evanston Art Center titled “Undefinable: Women’s Health in America”. I am so thrilled and honored to be included with this group of artists, who are exploring a wide range of health issues and their impact on each individual artist.

I’ve never been in an art show before, and thinking of myself as an artist can send me cringing. Yet, when I look at what I produced thus far, I do feel deeply that each cast really reflects my experience, and that lends me confidence to send a piece of myself off to be witnessed by others, and hopefully be in service of whatever healing they are seeking. Since this is an opportunity that found me, I am going to trust that I am worthy of it.

Having a life threatening illness is not something that any of us wishes for; however, the unexpected opportunities that arise because of it often bring richness into our lives. In particular, the retreats and conferences that exist for the survivors. I recently presented the workshop, Building Resiliency, at a breast cancer retreat weekend that has been operating for 30 years. Listening to the women, it was clear that while none of them ever wanted to have cancer, the relationships they built with other survivors and life transformations that happened as a result were priceless.

Being a part of that club gives us the opportunity to confront the 4 universal fears that I have referenced before- fear of being along, of dying, of losing freedom, of losing our sense of purpose. Facing them head on is an opportunity to grow, to evaluate the direction of our lives, and to consider making some changes that allow us to question what might be expected of us and take chances by going the unanticipated path.

Recognizing the opportunities doesn’t mean squelching the much needed grieving process that any significant loss of innocence entails, it is the opposite. In order to fully live each breath that we are given in this life, it is important to create space for the full story to co-exist side-by-side.

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Visual Journaling for Healing

As a therapist, I often hear from my clients about an intense moment that they had in between sessions, in which they wished that they had been with someone supportive. I think we all can relate to this dilemma, something triggers an strong reaction within our mind, body, spirit or self and we feel overwhelmed and alone.

For so many of us, this happens late at night, when our loved ones are asleep or perhaps we are all alone. Whatever the circumstances may be, the need is to help us ride the wave of the experience without falling into behaviors or thought patterns that do more damage than help.

Or perhaps you have just had one of those delicious “Ah-Ha!” moments, when something clicks and you stumble upon some meaningful insight into your experiences, and you want to capture it so that you can recall what it was, to lean into the juiciness of self discovery and healing, to create a deeper sense of letting go.

Then again, perhaps you are feeling a sense of confusion, unsure of what or how you are feeling yet knowing that there is some sort of turmoil or unease brewing inside. Your thoughts might not be able to do justice to understanding it. It is something less verbal.

This is where a visual journal can support your healing.

Metaphorically, I imagine a visual journal like one of those mason jars you might use to create a little habitat for a caterpillar to eventually morph into a butterfly. Inside the jar, you will continue to add bits of food, to nourish the caterpillar while it gently grows, preparing itself for the cocoon. In your journal, you are capturing moments, snapshots, of your experience as they wash over you, slowly building towards understanding, healing and transformation.

A caterpillar cannot morph into a butterfly overnight, it must work towards the goal, bit by bit. Each action it takes is imperative for its final transformation. Nor can we heal fully from the experience of facing cancer or another life threatening condition, without taking small steps to understand how it has impacted our body, mind, spirit, and self.

So if you are intrigued by this idea, give it a try. I recommend visual journalling, the process of transcribing our emotional, internal landscape onto paper through color, shape and form, because so often when we face a life threatening condition, words can only capture our experience up to a certain point. Through the practice of using art to symbolize our less verbal experiences, they become more tangible and easier to identify, allowing them to eventually be incorporated into our sense of self. Writing after we have spent time drawing, can help us to deepen the understanding. Over time, the pieces begin to come together.

If you are not sure where to begin, check out this blog post, Healing through Art and Writing, or consider contacting me for a free consultation. We can discuss your needs and I can share how I work with people virtually or in person.

Until next week…

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Legacy’s impact on healing

This morning I found myself with some extra time, and it allowed me to spend some time at my art table working on the breast cast that represents the conclusion of treatment. A few weeks ago, my creative self whispered an idea into my psyche and it really suited the metaphor of finishing the 9 months of active treatment.

I started to paint, and my consciousness started to drop into my body, into my memory of that moment. As I was feeling my way through, I quickly understood that this was representational of my experience but new awareness of the under layer of that moment struck me. I recognized something I never had consciously realized before, that part of my healing was related to my mom. She had breast cancer twice, the first time she finished treatment, she was in remission. The second time she finished treatment, she died two weeks later.

As I came to this understanding, my body tingled (a sign that I was on the right path), and my mind whispered- yes. My spirit tapped into the unprocessed grief around these two endings, and my Self recognized an aspect of the experience that was deeply tied into my own experience of treatment ending. A shared experience with my mom that we never had the chance to process.

I was in college during her first round of cancer, so while I was concerned and checked in frequently, I was not present for the day-to-day and I did not witness her ending treatment. The one clear memory I have is of her sharing the reason why she went to weekly massage for one year post treatment- to help her body heal and release the poison.

The second ending I was present for, she had a terrible reaction to her final chemotherapy treatment, and in the discussion that followed with her doctor, we all came to the conclusion that it was time to stop. I regret that I never had the chance to ask her about how she felt about ending (or if i did, I have no memory of it). I can make an educated guess, but I wish I had a memory of a direct conversation.

Once I identified the under-layer of this particular life moment, it was if a pop happened deep inside my body and psyche, the energy was released and I felt peaceful, calm and settled. Scientists have studied why animals in the wild do not show signs of PTSD, even though they confront life threatening circumstances frequently. What they discovered was, if an animal survived an attack on its life, it would shake uncontrollably once it was safe again. Releasing the energy and adrenaline after that event, rather than trying to control or stuff its experience.

As humans, we unfortunately often shut down that reaction, in a variety of ways. And thus it gets trapped in our psyche, and always in our body which holds the rawest renditions of our life experiences.

I share this experience, because it demonstrates how important it is to give ourselves the opportunity to process and explore our significant life experiences. If I had not sat down to do some art therapy around the experience of ending treatment, I would have not recognized this unmet need. To me, this speaks volumes as I have actually spent a lot of time thinking about this moment and it’s impact on the body, mind, spirit, and self. It was one of the critical moments in my life that propelled me into building what has become Creative Transformations.

We all carry legacy in our lives, it shows up in a variety of shapes and forms. Even if your cancer story was not a part of the family legacy, it is important to listen to the cues our body, mind, spirit, or self send about when we are re-experiencing a personal moment tied into the legacy of our ancestors. They are interwoven into the tapestry of our lives, and when we take time to unpack them- we learn so much about ourselves and our extended family. As a therapist, I have witnessed time and time again how healing this awareness is to our sense of self.

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The cascading effect of being reminded

Last summer, I followed Joan Lunden’s #stillsurviving campaign, and I remember the reaction I had when I saw her beautiful photo from her final day of chemo. As a fellow TNBC survivor, I could see the complex emotions within her eyes- because the ending of chemo is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. It feels wonderful to know that you don’t have to put any more poison into your body, but scary because you shift from actively fighting a disease to praying for it to not recur.

My body was struggling in the 5th month of my chemo, and so treatment ended abruptly, 4 Taxol treatments and 1 Carboplatin treatment short of the initial plan. I was so disappointed, it kind of felt like I had come close to the summit of an incredibly high peak and said- “meh, close enough”! I even went through a period of envy when I would see people’s final day of chemo photos- with their signs, their celebrating loved ones- ringing the bell. I missed the “graduation ceremony” and it was a bummer. Of course, I was mostly relieved because I was no longer going to be slogging through the chemo side effects. And I needed to be healthy enough to have the mastectomy, which almost had to be postponed as my immune system struggled to kick a virus I had developed.

Yet, clearly I still had some things to process, because it all came pouring back when I saw Joan Lunden’s photo. This cascading of sensory information was not terribly intense, but it reminded me of how powerful, and possibly overwhelming it can be, when you are in the midst of experiencing it. When you have been through something traumatic like cancer, this cascading process is likely to repeat itself, over and over again, until you come to some point of resolution.

This is why I am such an advocate of using the arts to capture this process. Using art helps to slow it down while simultaneously making it more concrete- more visible, so that we feel like we have tangible material to work with. When you are in the midst of a cascading recollection, it’s like multiple sensory switches have been flicked on all at once. Unless you are a rockstar at remaining fully grounded and Zen no matter what is thrown at you, you are going to want to have support.

Grabbing that visual journal and drawing out what you are experiencing offers a snapshot into the complexity of the experience. And once you have captured it, you have a choice- to either walk away and give yourself a break, or to begin to break it apart, observe it and ultimately make meaning from it. There is no right or wrong answer, especially when we attend to what our needs are in the present.

If you are curious about learning this process, set up a free consultation with me and we can discuss the potential of working together. And until next week, happy Thursday!