It’s that time of year here in the US, when the holiday season descends upon us and we gather together with family and friends.  Independent of our personal circumstances, the holidays tend to stir the feelings pot- as we reflect on what our traditions have been or still are, as we take stock of our life circumstances, as we think about those who we have lost and those who we have gained.

The fact that we are marching towards the darkest day of the year tends to add to the intensity of the feelings pot, because so often darkness brings us closer to thoughts, feelings and memories that are painful.

This isn’t always a doom and gloom scenario, but so often the holidays pressure us to present only the “good” feelings, which can cause us to shut down to attending to those more vulnerable parts.  When that happens, it signals that somehow a part of ourselves is not acceptable, making those feelings go underground rather than paying them the homage they deserve in order to allow them to be released.

The line between joy and suffering is truly so thin, and we can’t quite know one without the other.  When we give ourselves permission to feel both, they can find a way to flow with more ease in and out of our lives.

This year, I am feeling a resurgence of feelings from the loss of my mom 17 years ago.  I no longer play through the experience of being with her as she died from breast cancer, as I once needed to do in order to heal.  It was the experience of losing her that lead me to become an art therapist, for which I am eternally grateful, as processing her loss through art and writing were critical components of grieving.

This year, I am feeling a tenderness towards the things I wish I could have shared with her on this earthly plane.  As I have healed emotionally from cancer, I realize that she once again she was guiding me to understand that process, because she did share with me the fears she had following her first diagnosis of cancer and how she approached her physical healing.

I am so thankful that she did, because while she could not be at my side physically to help me through cancer, the memories I had from how she handled it and what she struggled with, provided me a guidepost through the murky place that is “survivorship”.  It gave me something to work off of, to ground the groundless experience of cancer and it’s aftermath.

If you are reading this post, I wonder what you are reflecting upon as we approach this holiday season and the march towards solstice.  I hope that it finds room to breath, to express, and to circle out into the greater collective of experiences that we all share.  May our sharing with those who are willing and able to listen, bring healing to one another.

Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others ~ Harriet Goldhor Lerner

So wherever you find yourself today or during this holiday season, my thoughts are with you. Namasté.

– Stephanie McLeod-Estevez, LCPC, is an art therapist and breast cancer survivor, and a former oncology counselor at the Dempsey Center. She began Creative Transformations to help others who are healing from a life threatening illness or injury. Through Creative Transformations, Stephanie works with people in person and online to offer cancer coaching, a DIY Individual Art Therapy program to enhance any healing work you are undertaking; workshops; and this weekly blog. Sign up today so you never miss one by visiting our website, Creative Transformations, where you will also find the links to our Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages.