I remember my first winter after treatment ending. I had just had my final surgeries, and I was still recovering from them when I got a cold. I was already feeling pretty low physically, and this cold felt like it was pushing all of my buttons. Kind of like how your brother or sister knows how to torture you best.
I called up my PCP and did my best to convince her to give me antibiotics, citing how the radiation may have damaged my lungs and made it harder for me to heal. I was so disappointed when she said no, even though I knew deep down that it would not have been an appropriate intervention and on top of it would have killed any decent microbes that had managed to rejuvenate since the hell of treatment.
Before cancer, I hardly ever went to the doctor or got sick. I generally avoided taking medication at all costs, so this was quite out of character for me to feel this desperation.
But there are days in which that is just what cancer brings us, desperation. In this case, desperation to feel good- almost at any cost.
Of course, the above example is pretty mild in terms of the stress meter, but I share it because it demonstrates how vulnerable we can feel post cancer. Prior to having cancer, I didn’t have many qualms with my body. Post cancer, if I am not thoughtful about my stress levels and frame of mind, I can easily tumble into a dark place.
There are the more obvious triggers- such as symptoms that could be signaling a recurrence, yet in my mind what lies deep below is a sense that somehow our bodies betrayed us by growing cancer in the first place. We may also struggle with thoughts about how we did or did not do things that caused the cancer.
One ripple in the waters can set off a chain reaction. No matter where you are in in this process of healing the body, one basic recommendation that I can give you is to be compassionate with yourself when you find yourself in a desperate place (or your loved one if you are a caregiver).
When you feel desperate, it is a sign that you are feeling overwhelmed and in need of some TLC. Responding kindly to yourself or to someone else, it sets a tone that suggests that things are going to be okay. Solutions can wait until you feel stronger again, it is time to rest.
– Stephanie McLeod-Estevez, LCPC, is an art therapist and breast cancer survivor, and a former oncology counselor at the Dempsey Center. She began Creative Transformations to help others who are healing from a life threatening illness or injury. Through Creative Transformations, Stephanie works with people in person and online to offer cancer coaching, a DIY Individual Art Therapy program to enhance any healing work you are undertaking; workshops; and this weekly blog. Sign up today so you never miss one by visiting our website, Creative Transformations, where you will also find the links to our Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages.