Many moons ago a client told me about an article that she had read about the process of how and why therapy works. She said the author described it as the process of unpacking our old baggage that we have been lugging around, exploring what is inside, and then repacking it in the manner and style we wish to. This made sense to me, especially as often our baggage has items in it that we didn’t place in by choice.
Taking the time to unpack, observe and then re-pack allows us to let go of that which we no longer need and to be more conscious of what we are carrying around. Sometimes we need to repeat this process over and over again, especially with those bags that hold our more tender, vulnerable, and intense experiences. Through this process, we begin to make meaning from what we have been through and it’s importance in how it shapes who we are.
This week, I passed the two year marker of completing active treatment for breast cancer. This day also happened to coincide with my kid’s final day of kindergarten and 2nd grade, along with other milestones for myself and my immediate family. BOOM it was done. Another suitcase jammed full of experiences that we would need to unpack again when the time was right.
This anniversary marker has been floating in and out of my consciousness for the past week, but that afternoon I ended up with some free time, and thus it became first time I have given myself the opportunity to take a peak. I was feeling out of sorts, wanting to be able to sift through efficiently and yet that was not in the cards for me. Recognizing it wasn’t going to be a resolvable moment, I decided to just find a way to be with it rather that wrestle with the angst of not getting what I thought I wanted.
So here is what I did:
- I found a way to accept where I was at
- I found a quiet place to sit, and did a brief body scan- systematically going head-to-toe to observe what was happening inside myself
- I quickly found this energy sitting in my chest, it was stingy, sore, uncomfortable. I allowed myself to feel it
- As I felt it, I increased my awareness of how my initial perception was changing, so I grabbed my art journal and supplies to put it on paper
- I listened to my instinct about how to represent it, then finished with a few words to capture what was happening
- I recognized that I was not going to be able to come away with a neatly re-packed suitcase. That was not what my body and mind needed today, rather the need was to sit with the uncomfortable, the incomplete, the unknown.
- I accepted that, closed my book, picked up my supplies, and walked away.
It’s impossible, said pride
It’s risky, said experience
It’s pointless, said reason
Give it a try, whispered the heart
I realize that it takes a lot of courage to face our baggage. It can be overwhelming. It does not have to be done alone. The power of art and meditation can help us build a safe space in which to begin. Allow your heart to guide you, and reach for support when you need it.
– Stephanie McLeod-Estevez, LCPC, is an art therapist and breast cancer survivor, who works as an oncology counselor at the Dempsey Center. She began Creative Transformations to help others who are healing from a life threatening illness or injury. Through Creative Transformations, Stephanie works with people in person and online to offer cancer coaching, a DIY Individual Art Therapy program to enhance any healing work you are undertaking; workshops; and this weekly blog. Sign up today so you never miss one by visiting our website, Creative Transformations, where you will also find the links to our Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages.